An apology from Llama

[DrFrag]

Hi Everyone

About a decade ago I was a moderator here and suspended a disruptive user named Llama. Soon after that I banned her permanently for creating another account. I found the whole thing very stressful and took a leave of absence from the forums.

A couple of years later she contacted me and apologised. I accepted this and believed her when she said she was trying to be a better person. We stayed in touch by email for many years.

Last year, some difficult life circumstances brought us to chat online, and then later by phone and Skype. We became very close friends. Last month I flew to Sydney to visit her for a week and we hung out together. The woman she is today is thoughtful and kind and considerate and very different from the child I banned all those years ago. Seems that people change.

I forgave her long ago for the trouble she caused here, but it still weighs heavily on her mind. Did you ever do something stupid when you were younger and still regretted it years later? I did something like that when I was 13 and I can't fix it, or find the person I need to apologise to. It's strange how those things stick with you even when everyone else has moved on. For Llama, it was her behaviour on this forum all those years ago.

She is still banned here so she can't post anything, and I can't unban her. But I can pass on this message from her:

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I want to say i'm sorry. I want to make amends.

I'm not expecting people's pity or forgiveness. I know why what I did was wrong, and I know what I did. I know I made stuff up. I know I took it too far.

I want to own up to all the lies and attention seeking and spamming I did. It was wrong of me, and I wrecked a wonderful community by doing so. To all the times I argued, to all the times I manipulated. I think about what I did a lot, and it tears me apart.

I know I lied about other more sensitive stuff too. I feel a lot of shame for that. It wasn't right.

To the people who might still be here even after what I did to tear your community apart, I'm sorry.

I made alternate accounts, yes. I acknowledged that. I wanted to try and start new, but it wasn't a smart move. I was breaking even more rules.

I'm not apologising in hopes of forgiveness. I'm apologising because I need to. I want to be accountable for my actions. I know I can't un-do what I did, but I want to put this out there anyway.

I know that what I did, and the way I acted, was so, so wrong. Maybe the way everybody dealt with me was good for me in the end, because I realised I had to become a better person. I want to be good.

I was so, so bratty and manipulative. I stepped on people's toes, I walked all over everyone. I played victim even though I wasn't the victim.

I hope that someone reads this. Even if no one reads this, I'm just putting this out there. I'm so sorry.

Thank you for reading this.

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[Astro Forever]

Personally, it took me about 2 weeks to put what llama had done behind me after she was permanently banned. Oh, sure, I could have done without having to manage a few other events that followed, but it was not anything that stayed with me, emotionally, on a personal level. Hopefully that will help reassuring you, llama. I'm glad you have been able to come up with that introspection, as it is now something you can build on to move on toward a healthy life and fulfilling relationships. That is the most important thing. I wish you the best.

The one thing I remained sad about, DrFrag, is how this made you feel, which, believe me, I totally understand, and how much I missed what you had to offer to this community. I still do, by the way, because I'm sure you would still have a lot to offer, but I am also very aware that time changes, life goes on, and we all move on in our own way. Take care!

P.S.: llama is not banned, nor has she been unbanned. Somewhere back in 2010 or so, Mark decided to get rid of all the banned accounts as they were mostly spammers. As a result, this account no longer exists since.

[CommanderEVE]

Nice to see you DrFrag, it has been a very long time. People, do indeed change. I was roughly 14 when I first joined, now I am 24.

I remember, vaguely what Llama did, but only vaguely. As I have had a lot of life issues between then and now and I am not easily offended. I have done worse then Llama in the past, I use to be part of the BHB (The Butthurt Brigade) on DA and many other things.

[jeffbert]

I too, was a mod at that time, & vaguely remember Llama's mischief, and the many posts we mods made on the mod's forum, trying to determine how best to deal with her.

I appreciate her expressing regret for her mischief. BTW, long time, no see, Dr. Frag.

As much as I might like to welcome her return to the forum, there is a difference between forgiving one's misdeeds & lifting the consequences imposed for them. Those who know me, know that I live with consequences of my own action when I was only 2, as much I would prefer otherwise. Still, if Llama is allowed to return, I am o.k. with it, not that my opinion even matters.

[DrFrag]

Thanks, I'm trying to be more active now. This has always been a good forum.

Also, congrats to Jeffbert and Astro Forever on reaching 10,000 posts!

[jeffbert]

Thanks, Dr. Frag. Speaking for myself, I thought it was a good milestone.