My 2014 NaNo Entry

[Earthshine]

It took me a while to finally get some time to read, but I am glad that I was able to!

There is a lot about this story that I really like and cannot wait to read about and discover more about how this world works and its dynamics. I know that what you posted is just the beginning and you have not yet even begun to really touch on the main "plot" other than small hints (which I am guessing will be the main plot).

I think its really imaginative that you are taking the stance that in this future only red dwarfs are really in existence, which is a real theory and is something that have not seen explored often. I appreciate seeing that.

I can't give any real solid feedback about your story as a whole until more is posted but from what I have seen I think that overall you are doing well. I also have to keep in mind that this is a NaNo and thus things are bound to be not as good as what you can normally put out.

I found a few things so far that I felt were slightly jarring; one was the amount of time you spent on domestic scenes (but then I understand you just want to explain how this world works, so it's not really bothersome) and some dialog exchanges that sound somewhat unnatural but can be edited later on during Editing December Month.

Can't wait to see what more you have to post.

If you want me to point out the exact sentences and pieces of dialog that sound jarring to me I'll go ahead and do so, but just keep in mind one person's opinion does not mean that it is the truth.

~EDIT~

OOOHH!! And a fun fact that you can add to your story if you want to do some editing during Edit December Month... Plants under a red sun have a darker complexion usually in the purple, blue and black spectrum. It is because of the color of the light that they are absorbing and photosynthesizing is expressed in their own colors. So the "clover grass" might actually in reality be a "magenta grass" or a "blue grass" or something else.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

Thanks. I'd love to have you services as a beta reader before posting the story on ff.net.

As far as the grass goes, I think clover describes the shape of the leaves not the color, but it would be interesting to describe the effects of the cooler sun.

[Earthshine]

I was interpreting "clover" as in "clover green" But at the end of the day it is your story and your rules.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

Nine.

The Lady Rebeca had watched the newcomers from a distance. While she was certain that Atom was the one who would fulfill the ancient prophecy, there was something about all four of them that attracted her attention. There was something very strange about the four newcomers that she had yet to place a finger on. One of the powers that the matriarchal priests had was the ability to see the linage of a persons soul. The priests believed, actually they knew that everyone who had ever lived had been reincarnated many times and their vision beyond sight enabled them to track the paths of anyone's past lives. These four didn't seem to have any past lives. Atom and Uran did seem to have a trace, but theirs was very faint to her, and she couldn't read them.

Cobalt seemed to have the intelligence and the tenacity to solve the ancient puzzle and open the vaults of time. It seemed to her that with Titans help the two of them could be directed to do just that, and for the past few months she had been scheming on how to nudge them along in that direction. They would have to think that it was their idea of course, but that would be easy enough to do. If Atom was truly the 'ONE', his destiny would be to discover the the path ahead. He would require his brother's help to make sense of his discovery, and that would awaken the race memory that the priesthood would need.

As for Uran, well she might be destined to serve the sisterhood, but that decision would in the end be up to her. Rebeca didn't yet see clearly where she fit in to the ancient master plans, but she was certain that would become clear to her eventually.

Rebeca sat in the fading light of the day as the suns last light beamed into her window. She sipped the thin amber tea of the Teska leaves and let its intoxicating power enter her senses. The tea was the weakest of the mind altering drugs that the order distilled from the holy tree.

More powerful than the tea was the smoke of the tobacco made from the same leaves, but prepared in a totally different fashion. The Elixir of life wine which was made from the fruit of the tree was even more potent, it would give the user full vision beyond sight. The use of both the smoke and the Elixir was reserved only for the fully anointed priests, of which Rebeca was not yet one of.

Eating the fruit of the tree was something that one didn't do, for the Teska fruit was such a powerful hallucinogen that only the Elder Mother, or a full sister destined to become one, could survive the effects of its deadly influence. The ancient prophecy declared that one day there would come a man who would eat the fruit of the Teska tree and not succumb to its poison. He would be transformed into the father figure that would lead the order to survive the fading of the current universe and live on in the next. He would also provide the seed for the birth of the soul that would become the center of the next universe. That was the destiny that she saw in Atoms future, but she still had yet to test him and prove that he was the one.

As the teas hallucinogenic chemicals entered her blood stream, Rebeca stared at the last bit of the sun's orb that was still peeking above the horizon and closed her eyes to enable her inner sight take hold of her vision. She strained to see the future, but it was still a blur to her. The ceremony that would induct her into the sisterhood was now only weeks away.
Once she had access to the Elixir of life and the smoke of vision she would have access to the full power of the priesthood, then she would be able to know what path she must follow. First, however she had to put her imprint on Atom so that he would be bound to her and would follow her subtle suggestions. It was time.

[Earthshine]

I'm a little confused on the social politics surrounding the fruit of the Teska tree as in one of your previous chapters you wrote that;

Only the monks of the castle were permitted to pick the fruit and the leaves of the Teska trees, anyone else who was caught doing so would be subject to the penalty of a horrible death by slow torture.

But in your most recent chapter it came off to me as though it was highly discouraged to try and eat the fruit as they would die due to its poison... but if they picked and ate the fruit and survived would they be free from persecution? How would they know that they would be "the one" if they killed them before succumbing or surpassing the poison? Or did you mean all along that the "slow torture" was the poison?

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

Both statements are compatible. Just picking the fruit was a crime for the trees were considered holy and the act of touching them by a commoner was blasphemy. Only the monks hands were allowed to harvest the trees. The "testing" of an individual could only be performed under the supervision of a member of the clergy who would provide the fruit.

The idea came from Dune, I see Atom as Muad'dib.

[Earthshine]

I see now.

I am not familiar with Dune I'm afraid.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

Ten.

A pink-green glowing mist filled the upper valley in the predawn hours. The strange lights hadn't been seen for several months since Atom and the others had been resurrected above the Village Town. Lady Rebeca woke from a disturbing dream and viewed the upper valley just as the strange lights had begun to fade. More newcomers were about to arrive, she wondered who they would be and what they would bring.

The last thing they had remembered was their escape. Wanted by the police in several countries the two of them had somehow found each other and pooled their talents to elude the law long enough to stow away on a space ship heading away from Earth. Both of them had landed in jail multiple times thanks to Atom's meddling in their affairs, and they had been glad to be rid of him. Fate, or was it karma, wasn't kind to them, the ship they had secreted themselves on began to break up shortly after they had left Earth. The crew took to the escape pods leaving them to fend for themselves. It was a slow death as the ships energy and food stocks were used up and the cold of space began to creep inside.

Rock was the first to awaken in his new body. He opened his eyes to see the indigo colored first light of dawn overtaking the blackness as the few visible stars faded from view. Sitting up in the soft clover grass he noticed his companion in death starting to still from his slumber a few meters away.

Lamp rubbed his eyes and sat up. There was something cool and wet sitting in his lap. He looked down at the large bullfrog that announced itself with a loud croak. Lamp almost jumped out of his skin upon seeing the amphibian, but he quickly recovered his nerves and looked around. He spotted Rock behind him, and their eyes met for the first time in eons.

“I thought we died,” Lamp said.

“Well, you look rather good for a dead man,” Rock said, “about 60 years younger too.”

“You don't look a day over 25 yourself.” Lamp came back. “Where the hell are we and how did we get here?” He added.

“Don't ask me, I don't have a clue.” Rock replied.

As the sun made its first appearance over the horizon the road leading into the Village Town became visible, and the lights from the Town plaza became obvious.

“Looks like some signs of civilization, down that way.” Lamp pointed.

“Maybe we can get something to eat there, I'm hungry.” Rock added.

The two former inmates brushed themselves off and started to walk down the hill and towards the road leading to the Town.

Bügermeister Köenig woke from a fitful dream before the sun had yet made its first appearance of the day. Instead of coming into the village in person to warn him of the expected new arrivals the witch Rebeca had planted her message in his dream. This was quite disturbing to him, he almost felt like he had been raped having his thoughts invaded like that. It wasn't the first time that the a member of the priesthood had used their mental powers to deliver a message to him in that way, and he doubted it would be the last. “Why can't they just deliver their damned instructions in person, or in writing?” he muttered to himself as he dressed.

Köenig didn't notice the Lady Rebeca who was standing just inside the gated entrance to the Village. She watched as the two young men walked down the cobblestone road and entered the town. Right away she sensed that these two were different, and that they might be a problem. Mentally she shared this thought with the Bügermeister, who perceived it as his own realization. As Lamp and Rock entered the plaza they were met by the Bügermeister who was the first person to walk up to them in greeting.

“Welcome to our Village, gentlemen.” he said offering his hand in friendship as he always did. “I'm Herr Köenig, the Bügermeister of this village.”

Lamp hesitated for a few moments as he studied the well dressed man who stood in front of him and Rock before he responded. “Pleased to meet you too.” He said. “I'm not exactly sure how I got here or why. Maybe you can help me and my partner out with some information.” He said. “You can call me Lamp, and the fellow with me goes by the name Rock.”

Rock then walked up and simply smiled. “You got anything to eat in this place,” he asked, “I'm famished!”

“That's often the case with the newly awakened,” Köenig answered. “I know you are confused, but I'm afraid I don't have many answers for you. For nearly a year now we've had strangers walking out of the upper valley claiming to have returned here from the dead. Most remember their names, many don't remember much else.”

Lamp and Rock looked at each other, and then at the Bügermeister. “We remember dying in a spaceship, but not much else,” they said almost in unison.

“I'm not quite sure what that is, but I've heard similar stories before,” Köenig replied. “If you two gentlemen will follow me towards the Tavern we can see about doing something to satisfy your hunger pains.”

Lamp and Rock nodded and they followed Köenig towards the source of a delicious smell that they suddenly became aware of. Köenig led them to his usual table and motioned over to a server. Soon they were enjoying steaming cups of coffee and rich brown bread with fresh butter. Lamp ordered a large plate of eggs and bacon, while Rock had two bowls of hot grits and hash browns.

With their hunger now in the past, the Bügermeister walked them over to the General store where he requisitioned some clothing for his two charges. He then marched them over to the boarding house and assigned them lodging. Though they didn't know it, Lamp and Rock now occupied the rooms that Astro, Uran, Titan and Cobalt had recently vacated. Something told the Bügermeister that he'd better let each of them have their own room, a luxury that he was able to give them at the moment. After the two mens housing needs had been taken care of, Köenig told them to follow him so he could find them suitable employment.

“You expect us become slaves?” Lamp blurted out.

“No, I expect you to make yourselves useful,” Köenig told them. “You will be paid well for your labor, just like everyone else in this village. You can always seek other arrangements later on, but you are expected to support yourselves, we have no beggars here. Anyone that doesn't contribute to the general welfare is banished to the taboo regions north of here.”

“I haven't seen any police in this place.” Lamp said, “How do you expect to enforce such policies.”

“We don't need police, because what we have to live under is far worse.” the Bügermeister told them. I beg you do not tempt the wrath of the clergy, you will not survive the encounter.”

Köenig led the two men to the village stable where he introduced them to Tidus Moony who ran the livery. As soon as they entered the establishment, Rock found himself being nuzzled by a pair of three year old mares. He found himself scratching them behind their ears and both he and the equines seemed to enjoy the encounter.

“My, you seem to have quite the horse sense.” Moony told Rock.

“You know I seem to remember always wanting a pony as a kid.” Rock replied. “Don't think I ever got one.”

Tidus handed Rock a hand brush. “Here, slip this on your hand and try combing them down. They love being groomed.”

The brush fit on his hand like a glove, the strap went over the top of his hand and the back of the brush fit nicely into his palm. Rock started to comb the animals hair. He seemed to know exactly which way to brush them so as to not cause any discomfort.
Moony handed Lamp a pitchfork. “Why don't you try your hand and bailing some hay.” he said. “Remove enough from that large pile in the corner of the stable and fill each horses pen with a good meal.”

“I suppose you'll want us to shovel horse crap as well.” Lamp grumbled.

“Of course.” Moony laughed. “If you're careful it's not a very messy job, and you'll get used to the smell.”

“Yeah, Right.” Lamp said.

“Oh come on Lamp, it's not so bad.” Rock said. “I rather like these animals. Don't be such a grouch!”

Köenig gave Tidus Moony a concerned glance, but the livery stable master didn't seem concerned.

“Don't worry about a thing, Herr Köenig,” he said. “These two will work out just fine. They're a bit rough around the edges, but they will fit in. Trust me.”

Köenig shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the stable leaving Lamp and Rock in Moony's capable hands.

[Earthshine]

Can I ask why Lamp was brought back as his younger self? Or will that be explained later?

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

Actually everone was brought back in their 20's (more or less). Guess I should have made that clearer, I think I described atom and family that way. I'll check and make sure that the chapter describing Mars and Atlas is clear on that.